orgies, etc.

today's post, or cry for help, rather, comes to you from sarah, my dad's lady friend, from their humble abode in ne portland:

Hi Jessie
I just wanted you to know that your dad is having a particularly bad weekend because of one thing, squirrels. He feels like the squirrels have take over his life. Yesterday, as he hot tubbed, he explained to me that a squirrel orgy took place above him, in the big tree. About 10 participants were involved, and the noise was atrocious. Limbs fell from the tree, the bird feeders shook feed, and it was mayhem all around. Now, Pat does have a loaded gun, yes, he hot tubs with it. It is a plastic small pellet gun, and he aims from the hot tub, shoots at them, and they move a foot away, a little closer to him. He can't see from the hot tub, because it is steamy, and because he wears no glasses, and he is sure the squirrels know he doesn't have his glasses on. Yesterday, about 2 pm, it was so quiet outside. I was inside, and from the stairs, I saw Pat asleep in the lounge chair out side. How sweet I though. I went out to sit near  him in the quiet, and found the loaded and cocked squirrel gun under his hand, finger in trigger, while he slept. Is this good for someone? 

Today, he saw how the squirrels are getting to the 8 dollar a gallon container of fancy bird food in the two  30.00 squirrel proof feeders. I am living with a background sound of Pop Pop Pop.......and I just stop, and breathe. It's Pat, , with his gun out there.  They hang from the feeders, which then lower themselves (hence...squirrel proof) but, the squirrels are smart enough to figure out, to simply hang there, and use their long and thin tongues to simply lick the food out as fast as they wish. Sorta like a  big squirrel.pixie stick.

Now, a new problem. The squirrels leave a lot of corn and other grain on the ground as they bounce all over the squirrel proof feeders. Scout and Amy eat the corn and grain. For the last 2 days, Scout is pooping corn poop all over the house. Corn poops everywhere. He is not even aware he is pooping....just almost solid corn and bird food coming out. It has been on the sofa today, on the floor, I stepped in it first thing this morning, our dog walk had 3 bags of corn poop to pick up. Amy won't sleep on any of the dog beds now, because Scout has corn pooped on them. SO, all of the bedding is being washed today.It's drying outside all over the back yard.

Pat took his bike to the Wild Bird Store earlier for a consult. He said there were other people in there with severe squirrel frustration,, but he did not offer any advice, as he considers himself a failure.. He was sent home with a different food, that the birds should be able to eat, but not the squirrels. However, this is further complicated by the fact that, as he learned in his squirrel  fucker consultation, that momma birds, teaching baby birds how to eat, show them how to JAB the food. Jabbing food from a feeder, ( yes it is happening as we speak) attracts the squirrels. This morning, as Pat spoke with his sister Linda on the phone, dogs were in the house, Kitty's time in the back yard. Broken and Timmy found Pat talking in the lounge chair, and of course, joined Pat. Timmy made bread on Pats stomach, and as the squirrels jumped from limb to limb knocking more expensive food from the feeders to the ground, for Scout to eat, Broken drooled huge droplets of drool on Pats shirt in love with the sound of Pat's voice, and could care less about the squirrels 8 feet from him. At this time, all of the gun ammo is gone. I  am sure  Pat will restock on his lunch hr tomorrow. Most people around us, are listening to some cool Fleetwood Mac, practicing some terrible  guitar song  in the yard, babies and pups happy and playing sounds all around...not our house. Pat has gone back in the yard, but before he went out there, he said like he had lost his manhood because of the squirrels. The had taken over his life, and he can't get it back He said his rank in life is 5th. In this order. Dogs, Cats, birds, squirrels, then Pat. Now I hear pounding metal.....???. I'll keep you posted.......love, Sarah


  1. my only suggestion is steam-proof safety glasses for the hot tub.

    but even with that- most likely- nothing, not even bullets, is gonna keep a squirrel away from a hump-fest.

    everyone needs a hobby though...

  2. It is my dream to one day be half the story-teller that Sarah is! OMG!

  3. I changed the bird food to black oil sunflower seeds. Nature is back in balance.

    Life is good.