eat it

sometimes things don't go as planned.  like when there's some kind of bug with blogger.   frustrating.  i spent the last couple hours on a painting, and then for no apparent reason the damned computer won't let me upload the image.  i might spend hours, wasting away at the keyboard, trying to figure out what is wrong, mad at the computer, sitting here saying "fuck you computer!" when really, truly, it is entirely out of my hands.  i should just walk away, peacefully.  and then the phone rings.  it will be a weird anomalous ring, and when i pick it up, it will be noone.  just a dial tone, a long, droning dial tone, reminding me i'm alone in a white room with large windows, fighting with a robot.  so maybe,  i suppose it's just one of those eerie, off kind of days.  and then, a breakthrough, i pull it all together in a moment of clarity, as if the troubling issue was just a backdoor way to victory.

life is like that.  weird happenstance can ruin a day, or make it, or ruin it and then make it.  and the chances are even steven.  like some days, unexpectedly, you or someone you know will be intolerant of the things that are normally allowed a hefty serving of patience. your adrenaline will peak.   you will get in a yelling match, you will be fired from a job, or you might fire someone, you might flip someone off or insult their character or tell them a thing or two about how your really feel.  you will feel an adrenaline running through your body, a numbness in your legs and a blankness in your mind afterward.  the conflict will consume you through and through, and you will replay it in your head, trying your darnedest to remember what you said or what they said that made you say what you said.  you might feel guilty, or defiant, or righteous, or embarrassed.  you might apologize, or hope it all washes away like garbage from a beach:  out of sight our of mind.  but it happened, it was real, and like many conflicts in our time, it was just a moment of raw, unabashed human emotion, necessary and unnecessary all at once.  "conflict is the beginning of consciousness," said m. esther harding.  yes, it is so true, how a conflict teaches us more about ourselves, our motives, morals, our fundamental wants and needs, more than anything else in life.  conflict may be necessary, but may every conflict lead to introspective learning.  for the sake of the future.

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