coming clean

sometimes i think it's ironic that my face so naturally goes into a smile. because for someone who smiles so much, i sure struggle a lot.  do you feel that way too?  sometimes i think it's like a divine trick: it's almost like my physical body was designed by the great designer for the sole purpose of smiling.  in fact, i almost can't not smile.  that's just what my cheeks do.  and maybe that's for the divine purpose of putting others in a amicable mood, and maybe it's to spread goodness and joy, in an effort that it may indeed rub off all around me and i may catch the bug myself.  but today, i am pretty sure i smiled all day, yet i felt like a stinky-ass rotten egg inside.  you've felt that way too, you say?  some days are like that, many days actually, but i disguise it well.  how could this be?  well here's a heartfelt confession: some days, i am mad at the universe.  as mad as anyone has ever been.  mad at the universe for notifying me, one fateful december, your mom has terminal cancer.  mad for giving me six short months to pray with every last cell of my being for healing.  and furious as hell for taking my perfect mom, my perfect friendship, and my perfect life away from me.  that's really only the beginning.  yes, i'm mad at the universe, for fucking up big time, for destroying my sense of optimism.  why am i telling you this?  because today, i was faking it, and today, i felt the need to come clean. because i love you, all of you, and thought i should tell you: things are not always as they appear: the truth lies hidden somewhere beneath an automatic smile.  and why am i telling you this?  because i know i'm not alone: all of us have to fake it sometimes, just to get by.


  1. oh jess. I hear you (and love you).

  2. i wore a perky bow tie today to wash dishes. a job which i despise and which makes me cringe and makes me feel like a grumpy filthy growling wolverine. but i think that if i wear distinguished attire, i will at least act as classy as i can. but my natural tendency to not smile always gives me away.

    your dimples are so adorable that it melts my icy heart. i love you.

  3. Jessie,

    Gain strength in knowing that there are so many of us who love you and depend on your wonderful smile and happy eyes. You're magic!

    I can hardly wait to see you. Hurry