sometimes i turn on the hot water to make tea or a hot toddy. i commence to painting, or doing laundry, or sweeping or glancing through books, and before i know it i hear a "jess?" from the kitchen. it is then i remember, after nearly incinerating the red-hot kettle, and subsequently nearly burning down my house, that i put hot water on to boil. and boil, it did indeed. it boiled away.
i guess you could call this absent-mindedness, or distractablility. but i blame it on something else. preoccupation. there are a million things that can preoccupy a perfectly rational person. today, it all started with me waking up from a weird dream in which my late cat grey visited me as a ghost. in the dream i could tell he was a ghost because he was glowing the most radiant blue. it was a visitation. and it wasn't until i woke up from that dream that i vividly remembered grey and all of his mannerisms, how he would stretch out and show me his belly of fur, how he would let me hold him cradled like a baby, how he would rub his face incessantly against mine and lick my cheek in a show of affection. it was a lovely memory, but left me aching for my boy, and feeling distanced from reality. and so driving to the grocery store, i almost felt as if it wasn't me driving. and i forgot to eat all day. i was still back somewhere in a dream. all day, i've been stuck in a dream.
the grief of losing a loved one is like that. you can forget about it sometimes, just going about your business, rolling along. and then one day a little memory sweeps up delicately and whispers in your ear...don't forget me. you're distracted enough to crash your bike in a burning fury, and it's hard to find the courage to get back on. sometimes you have to just sit and stare at the wreckage, trying to see if you can recognize the particles of what's left. sometimes you have to sit still and be quiet, just to see if you can make sense of it all. the only thing to do is try to make something new out of what's left.
times like these, you must tell yourself:
from the ashes of death springs new life, regeneration. there's always something new. be patient. let it grow.